On Air Travel and Codependence
I am fortunate to be on a fabulous international vacation right now, exploring a new country and experiencing the culture. In order to get here I had long layovers in both London and Madrid. The London layover was just a few hours, but the Madrid layover was overnight and I got a hotel room near the airport to be safe. It turns out the Madrid airport is kind of massive - like it’s its own city massive. By the time I got to my hotel, it was 2 hours after my flight landed and I didn’t get to bed until after 1 am. I had a rough time going to sleep and snoozed through my alarm for a couple of hours before actually waking up. I jumped to life about 2 hours before my flight was to depart. After having navigated that behemoth the night before, I knew there was no way I would make my flight. Fortunately, there were lots of available flights and I was able to spend a bit more (but not too much) to hop on the next flight and get to my destination on time.
We have a family friend who used to joke that he had an arrangement with the airlines that if he didn’t get to the airport in time for his flight, they could just go ahead and go one without him. I have that same agreement, as it turns out. My Iberia Airlines flight went on without me. And that was fine. When I went to the service desk to explain my predicament they pretty much yelled at me, throwing up their hands and asking “WHY DID YOU MISS THE FLIGHT? THEY ARE WAITING FOR YOU!?!”
One of the better definitions of co-dependency that I’ve heard is that it’s the need to prevent other people (or another person) from experiencing the consequences of their actions. This includes, explaining, covering, making excuses, etc.
“He’s been working a lot lately”
“She’s not been sleeping well”
“They just need to let off a little steam”
I have friends and clients who have strong Relationship Building themes, and, when unchecked, they can be used in a way that is a barrier to setting healthy boundaries. This, in turn, can lead to allowing some bad behavior in others. Sometimes putting up boundaries (i.e., allowing the person you love to experience the consequences of their actions) can seem unkind. I would argue that what is really unkind is allowing someone to persist in behavior that is hurting them.
A popular meme that has gone around the self-help community states that the only people. who are bothered by you setting boundaries are the ones who benefit from you not having them. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean that you don’t love someone. On the contrary - it means you love them so much that you want them to make better choices for themselves. It’s not easy. But just like the safety briefing on the airplane tells us, put on your own mask before helping others. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s refilling your own supply so you can give more to the people you love.
Iberia Airlines, and all the other airlines for that matter, are not co-dependent. They have boundaries that are known as schedules. They say that if you are not here on time, you cannot board the aircraft. If you really need to go to that location, you need to pay for another ticket. This time I was lucky - there were lots of flights I could have chosen and other than paying a relatively nominal fee, I did not experience major consequences. I return home later next week and I have another overnight layover in Madrid. This time, I do not have lots of flight options back home. Missing that flight will have major consequences. I’ll be setting multiple alarms AND requesting a wake-up call. Working with the airline within their boundaries will make this a mutually beneficial partnership that will get me home to my pup, my work, and my garden. Everybody wins.